Let's Be Honest

Have you ever avoided something because it was hard to talk about? For example, not responding to an email or returning a phone call or a text message because you were afraid of the response? Or not speaking up in front of a group of people because you didn’t want to sound stupid, or wrong, or any number of adjectives that we judge as bad?

Another example—someone asks your opinion and you lie, outright, because it feels impossible to say what you really think or feel.

For many of us, lying comes naturally. White lies, half-truths, lies of omission . . . There are so many phrases for it because it’s such a common experience. We waste a lot of mental, emotional, and physical energy avoiding hard conversations. Or just avoiding being in relationship with people because we project that it will be hard.

Being honest frees up space and time and energy within us that we weren’t even aware of missing.

Here are some tips to help you practice honesty:

• Get clear and be honest with yourself first. Sometimes it’s hard to be honest with others because we aren’t sure how we feel or what we think, so taking the time to learn about ourselves can help prepare us for sharing with others.
  
  
• Write it down. If you’re imagining, thinking, obsessing, or worrying about a conversation, write it out. Be as honest as possible because you’re the only one who is going to see this, unless you want to share it with someone else.
  
  
• Talk to a trusted friend to prepare. This does not mean gossip. It means having someone who will listen and who will help hold you accountable for having the conversation. Someone who will be there to support you when it’s over.
  
  
• Don’t try to defend, over-explain, or justify what it is you have to say. Speak to the heart of the matter and keep the focus on your experience instead of making it all about someone else. (That’s why writing it out helps sometimes.)
  
  
• Let the other person be a person. We all have feelings and thoughts and opinions about things, most of which are more about us than someone else. What someone else thinks about you is none of your business. And everyone is entitled to have their experience. You don’t need to fix anyone else’s feelings.
  
  
• Hang out with honest people. Learning by example is one of the fastest ways to teach ourselves to speak the truth.
  
  

Honesty goes so much deeper than “just do it.” It’s often related to anxiety, to feelings of betrayal, and to our past experiences of intimacy. With that in mind, feel free to reach out for more resources to help you learn how to be more honest.